Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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