Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
