Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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