I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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