he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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