i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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