i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
