my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
