I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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