ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
