Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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