I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
