Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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