I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You're like the curious george of whores
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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