I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
