fuck your aforementioned shoe
So gin and wine won't be happening again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
