she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
