I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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