Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
