I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The air taste purple.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
