Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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