opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
