If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
