I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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