Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
