The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
