I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Randomize
