Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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