sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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