It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
