But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
