I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
