I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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