I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
