If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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