The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
