Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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