I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
