Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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