I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i out mim tonsoeep
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
