You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
