your parents love me but you hate me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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