Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
