I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she peed on how many people?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
