I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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