I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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