I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the condom got lost in my hair
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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