NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I deserve this hangover.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
