Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
