i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
