oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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